“But I know how Rapunzel felt in the tower, when she wanted to feel the rain…”

“But I know how Rapunzel felt in the tower, when she wanted to feel the rain…”
“But I know how Rapunzel felt in the tower, when she wanted to feel the rain…”

Let me start by saying this is going to be all over the place, fair warning to those who like to diagnose me. You’re going to have a field day with this one. A party without pants. I have four kids at home and I have less than two hours to post this. And yes, my friend Kelly can write 17,000 coherent words that will change the world in less than 10 minutes SHE’S NOT JUST PEACHES (actually she’s not just peaches, she’s the whole range of fruits, but none of the poisonous or prickly rinds ). I’m not as talented as her and sometimes it takes me forever to write a single sentence. So I’m going to write this in numerical format so it doesn’t sound like a PERSONALITY DISORDER. Let’s roll.

1. Wednesday at 2:00 p.m. PST Join me AND my mom, Avon’s global sales leader, for an hour-long online Q&A and virtual hug about my book. I’m part of the Quarantine Book Club: here are the details.

You’ll have to download Zoom and, guys. Me mother. She’ll be with me and she’ll tell you the total shit I’ve been since, well, the second half of my life (THIS IS RELEVANT TO THEME OF NUMBER TWO, SEE ME WITH A LINEAR PERSONALITY). I will also be in her house and I will be able to show you in real time all the Anglo-Saxon portraits of Jesus that she has hanging on a wall. I predict that he will answer most of her questions and you will fall in love with her. BLA BLA BLA of course. Just wait. You will see that I have never exaggerated a detail of how incredible it is.

WHAT’S MORE: I have some very exciting things to share and I will do it during that hour.

2. Living with a 16-year-old daughter. Ahem.

She wasn’t your typical 16-year-old girl, far from it. I swallowed my emotions and wanted to protect my mother and make her as happy as she could. I never rebelled or yelled or blamed her for the stress in my life, and I recognize that this was not necessarily healthy. I mean, Do you see the mess I am now? If I had blamed my mother for everything that was wrong in my life when I was 16, I would be fine now! HELLO! I’M A THERAPIST! Did your dad yell a lot when you were five? Good! You are totally screwed. I am sorry.

I need to hear from other moms who are going through this, because I wasn’t prepared. I’m happy to have created an environment where she feels safe to express her emotions, but sometimes it’s NUCLEAR. Break down windows and knock over furniture. Makes holes in the wall. It conquers countries and colonizes them. Mercilessly.

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And sometimes it pops, suddenly, unexpectedly, and it feels like I’m spraying acid in my face. I know it’s not her intention, but her tendency is to blame me for everything that’s wrong in her life. AND BEFORE YOU GO THERE: This has nothing to do with I hate my mom because she blogged about my life.

Me: I wrote about giving you an enema when you were nine months old.

Ella: So… I should care… why?

Me: The internet is upset about you.

Her: Tell the internet to take my chemistry test!

She’s so on top of everything I’ve written about her and she couldn’t be bothered with that, not when there’s a chemistry test on the day she needs to have read four books and she has dance practice after school until 5 pm Oh, and so-and-so said the most terrible thing to him and he doesn’t even realize how terrible it was and how is he supposed to accept what so-and-so said? How will he ever come to accept it? WHAT?!

And sometimes all that is shouted in my face.

During the peak of my grief for Coco, my body was as fragile as a single piece of tissue paper. I was not sleeping (we are well aware of this now) and my appetite vanished. She was already so excited, and when Leta launched herself into WHY ARE YOUR DO THIS TO MY LIFE I felt my body shut down. One night I told him to stop and then I went to my room to ask Pete for help. It’s a much longer story that I’ll get into at some point, maybe even Wednesday, but I wasn’t going to survive his “attack” that night. I put that word in quotes because I know she doesn’t understand what I’m experiencing on my end. She doesn’t mean to hurt me, she just wants to get excited. She wants to talk and get it out and YELLLLLLLL. I don’t blame her. Being 16 years old is hard. I would never go back. I would never do it again. Being 16 years old is like having a carnivorous disease while a partner tells you: “Oh, yuck. Your meat is falling off. You’re ugly.”

I just want to be stronger and better able to handle the grenades he throws in my lap.

3. DOES IDRIS ELBA HAVE CORONAVIRUS? Aid! My heart can’t handle this. I can’t breathe I’ve fallen. I hit my head on the glass coffee table. head injury Not Idris. DO NOT IDRIS. DO NOT IDRIS.


4. We went to London and it was a trip through hell and then straight to heaven. I have never been so cold in my life. I know, those of you who live in Michigan are rolling your eyes at me. I DON’T MIND. I was cold! But, now I want to make every kind of sandwich ever made. I had forgotten about sandwiches in England. DELICIOUS SANDWICHES EVERYWHERE! I mean, I started making toast every morning. Then why not? Sandwiches, here I come!

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Do not run! Why are you running away? Come back, sandwiches!





Will there be more about London? Maybe. There is so much that I still have to process about the seven days I spent there. Many things. I know I’m being lazy, but I have to be lazy because I haven’t figured it all out yet.

5. I am kind of exactly the combined DNA of my grandmother Hamilton and my grandmother Boone. I’ll throw rocks at cars that shouldn’t be parked where they’re parked (granny hamilton). I’ll house you and feed you until I’m broke and then I’ll give you all my teeth and shave my head to make a quilt out of my hair (grandma boone). I’ll be yelling from across the house that you better get your ass down here IN THIS DAMN SECOND and turn your clothes right side out before I put them in the war machine (granny hamilton). I’ll bring you food during a personal tragedy and I’ll sit and listen and rub the back of your head while you cry in my lap and then I’ll adopt seven dogs and name them all after you (grandma boone).

So two bullets point to this number:

POINT NUMBER ONE: Jon flew over to see the girls while we were in London and I can’t thank him enough. He doesn’t have Granny Hamilton DNA, so things were a little more, hmmm…casual? Yes. Casual is the word. But when I got home, I was like GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE, etc. etc. etc. Y Marlo ignored me.

Now, Granny Hamilton once smashed a plate over my father’s head. I would never do that but oh yes I daydream. How many of us have that dream? Admit it. Stop posing. You know you have been tempted. Just a little tap on the head. With something very breakable.

I went into her room and said without any emotion, totally monotonous: “Your mother is at home. You know what this means and you better pay attention. And then I raised my monotone a bit to finish with “CHILD”.

We had no problems after that! Granny Hamilton!

POINT NUMBER TWO: Granny Boone was known for wearing a very, very big tote Grew up during the Great Depression and kept Ziploc bags and washed sour cream and butter containers just in case. He had everything with him, everything he would need in case of… disaster? I don’t know, but it became a THING, that bag. And well… hello. HELLO! I carry everything I could possibly need in my bag. Need some Altoids? Gel alcohol? How about a hammer or wrench? I have bags of peanuts and granola bars. Sure, I’ve got my wallet and lip balm, DUHbut I also have dental floss, an extra toothbrush, two cans of black beans, specially designed concert earplugs, pens, pencils and notepads, iPhone screen cleaner, laundry detergent, a Yukon potato, backup discs for Photoshop 7.0 from 2002, a roller, a giant rock to throw at cars, and a VHS tape player because you never know. Granny Boone for the win!

However, I keep losing my keys.

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I mean, how could I lose my keys in a swamp? So I looked for a solution and forced myself to leave the roller at home and got this bag and it has totally and completely changed my life.

16 Purse

Like, overnight. There is a pocket for all the essentials and I had a long talk with myself about essentials. You no longer need to lug around that Peter Cetera vinyl collection, HEATHER. I still have a LOT, but now I know where everything is. Always. I think I could get it in two different colors, it’s that versatile.

6. Any good games to play with your family during quarantine that aren’t totally unpleasant? I hate games unless they’re genuinely moving or genuinely hysterical. Please don’t give me a map to solve or kingdoms to conquer. Because I will! I will. I will beat you and beat you. You can count on that. but not me want have to do that. I want to cry or throw myself on the floor laughing.

7. My co-host and I are planning a massive relaunch of our Manic Rambling Spiral podcast. We hear from so many other parents who are as desperate as we are for stories of other parents raising teens. From anger to love to anger to pain to sex to DRIVING to getting ready for college and everything in between. We are groping in the dark and I think our stories are relevant to many of us who are going through the same thing. See number two above. SEE NUMBER TWO.

I’ll leave you with this: Since Friday, since they announced that schools would be closed for at least two weeks, Marlo has said, at least 1,400 times: “Did you know that ‘dog’ is ‘god’ spelled backwards…” And we all started yelling, “YES, WE KNOW AND THAT MEANS DOGS ARE OUR GOD. WE GOT IT NOW, KEEP GOING.”

Umm… do we really want it to go ahead? I don’t want to start hearing What’s Grosser Than Gross jokes. Oh God.